Minding your P's and Q's

Anna Post

Weddings are a joyful time, but many brides feel the extra pressure. “Rather than just having neighborhood friends and family to the wedding, brides are arranging huge events for people coming from out of town,” says Anna Post, the great-great-granddaughter of the celebrated etiquette writer Emily Post and author of Emily Post’s Wedding Parties ($22, Collins). “One of the biggest things a bride can do to lessen the stress is to communicate [with family and friends] early and often.” Post offers answers to some of the top wedding quandaries faced by brides in our region.

1. How do you handle family who does not respect your wishes?

You need to communicate with them as soon as you see a problem. You need to explain to them why you made the choice you did, and then you need to be firm about having made that choice. For example, you say no children at the wedding and they’re insistent on bringing them. You can’t make an exception just for them; it is not fair to those people who followed your wishes. Be firm with your answer. Firm doesn’t mean angry, firm means saying, “We do value your children but this is the road we’ve chosen to take. We very much hope that you can find someone to care for them so you can be there with us on that day.”

2. How do I tell a friend she’s not a bridesmaid?

I would do it gently. Tell her who the bridesmaids are. Maybe have her give a reading, something that gives her a role that’s not necessarily being a bridesmaid, so that she feels included.

3. How do you tell someone they are not on your guest list?

You’re going to have to address it as soon as it comes up. You have two choices: It might be worth the extra money to find a way to invite this person if you see how upset they are at not being invited; or you can stay firm and say, “We’re so sorry we couldn’t do this. We hope we can find another way to celebrate with you. It’s just our budget is so tight. I’m sure you understand.”

4. When do I need to invite a guest’s girlfriend/boyfriend?

The only time is if they’re married, engaged or if they are living together romantically. If it’s just a girlfriend/boyfriend you don’t need to. What you can’t do is pick and choose between which single people can bring a guest. Either all the single people can bring a guest or none of them can bring a guest.

5. How do I deal with a maid of honor who is not taking her responsibilities seriously?

Get together with the bridal party to make sure you’re all on the same page and go over what you’ll be doing the next few months. They often like it when the bride gives them a clue as to what she would like them to do. If your maid of honor doesn’t pick up the slack, you might have to say, “I’m not sure what’s going on, but maybe you’re too busy to handle this right now. I just need to know now so if you’d rather not do this, we can figure it out before we purchase dresses.” Give the person an out if they’re not really taking care of what they need to be taking care of.

For more etiquette advice go to emilypost.com.

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