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Behind the beard

The hero and legend, otherwise known as Santa Claus, has been a fantastical childhood icon for Christmas generations. While he’s busy throughout the year making toys with his elves, feeding his reindeer, delivering presents or spending quality time with Mrs. Claus at their North Pole residence, it is a rare occasion for Claus to find time to speak with the media. Surprisingly, he gave Solano Magazine the opportunity to sit with him and have this little chat.

You have a variety of aliases; what is your actual name?
St. Jolly Santa Kris Nicholas Kringle Claus, Jr.

How do you know who’s been naughty or nice?
I ask their parents and take orders.

So what’s up with the outfit?
I used to do musical theater. My favorite role was King Sextimus in North Pole High School’s production of Once Upon A Mattress. That was when I learned that it’s all about the spectacle—ho, ho, ho!

Do you have a favorite food?
Cantaloupe. I don’t know how everyone got the whole “milk n’ cookies” idea. All year long I eat healthy and I Jazzercise daily. The moment I finally start to slim down, Christmas arrives—suddenly I have billions of cookies to eat! I can’t just leave them untouched; that would be rude! Unfortunately, my manners surpass my diet; my physique seems to be caught up in quite a vicious circle.

What do you want to do when you retire?
I’ve always wanted to try stand-up comedy. Perhaps I’ll try sit-down comedy first until I get rid of all this cookie weight.

I’ve always wondered, how do you make your sleigh fly?
Heavy-duty twine attached to moving satellites. Anything it takes to avoid the gas prices.

Don’t you get hurt sliding down all those chimneys every year?
I’ve been drinking nothing but milk my entire life. I have the strongest bones in the world.

What’s your favorite TV show?
Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen can thank me for that role. All he wanted for Christmas was a decent sitcom, how could I say no to that face?

Whatever would you do without Rudolph leading the way?
Oh, this one’s easy—I’d fly in the dark!

Why have you lived at the North Pole for so long?
The housing market is frozen solid.

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